Entirely Made of Flaws

“You are made entirely of flaws and that makes you beautiful. Your ‘flaws’ are simply part of you, they make you unique and they make you beautiful. don’t ever allow someone the power to make you feel weak because they might not like one of your qualities.” – Becca Martin, Thought Catalog

I know many of us do have a difficult time to really accept the flaw(s); flaws that are part of you. I can name a few things of mine that I had a hard time confronting. Normally, I would just brush it aside and sweep them under the rug as if they were specks of dust. But then again, you can’t really avoid it for a long time unless you come to accept them. Now, I am usually an optimistic person and I tell this to people that I know that it is okay to accept them. Cry it out or vent it out to make all things better. And if someone doesn’t like the way you are or how you address yourself, then it is their loss for not knowing you well enough to truly accept that.

I do know that we are entirely made of flaws and that’s the beauty part of being a human being. There is no such thing as a perfect human being, that if you’re wholly narcissistic. If it wasn’t for flaws, people would probably be boring with a boring personality. And living on earth would be the most boring place. I do admit I do not like some of my own flaws and yes, I struggled with them every single day. I don’t know if I can remember a day where I don’t think about my own flaws. It does pop up in your mind like a judgemental blob of yourself, bickering at you the things you should take or do.

One of my flaws is that I don’t stand up for myself often as I should. Especially with my age, I should be able to. However, I overanalyzed myself with things in front of me and come up with many scenarios before I can come up to do it. It does ticks me off when I know I should accept the outcomes and sometimes, I don’t want to accept it. I know I need to accept the truth and move on. I can’t go around, trying to find a better way to soften the blow or avoid from confronting the obstacles in front of me. I just need to face it and I do acknowledge that. I need to build that self-confidence back and try to be a better woman for me and myself only. Building self-confidence is a hard task for me to do. Being self-confidence is also to learn how to love me.

Learning to love myself, I am still stuck in that phase and yet, I tell people that they need some me time and self-care. I do self-care a lot but not the loving myself. I know how to take care of myself even though my life is a little messy sometimes. And loving myself is not easy. I focus on other people’s need and I help people. When it comes to myself, I motivate myself to do things then half-way there, I lost my motivation until they tell me to get on to it. This is something that is long-term for me and I do take my time. I know I am a very patient person so, I am in no rush.

I know a lot of us to like to fix certain things about ourselves. Sometimes, we just need to learn how to accept ourselves and our own flaws. Because we are entirely made of flaws, after all. There is no wrong or right thing about our flaws. Flaws are who we are. Without them, we couldn’t understand what is good and what is bad.

Another thing is that it will take some time to mend things slowly.




Back to CAMP

Wow. I forgot what it is like to disconnect with the internet, phone, traffic, and the noises for a week. It was nice to come back to Deaf camp and support one of my favorite person who just became a director for the first time. Things were rough at a time, but it is all worth it for the kids. I also like to work with deaf campers and see how I can accommodate them as well. I love waking up to see nature right in front of me. Which reminds me, that I need to make a bucket of trips that I wanted to go regarding with nature.

I joined with my best friend to camp and stayed for one week. I got to meet all the old faces and new faces. I worked with an awesome co-counselor and she thinks I am her laughing medicine every day. Sometimes, I wondered why but at the same time, I do find myself funny. Either that or I was being such a scaredy-cat about bugs that have wings everywhere during night time. There were so many moments that campers laughed at me when I shrieked or scooted away from gnats or moth as I’m trying to get them ready for bed. Yes, I know I made a fool out of myself and not showing a role model when I should be. Sometimes it is okay to show that I’m not always tough or firm about anything. It’s one of my true side of me they just got a glimpse most of the time during the week.

My co-counselor and I had a large group of girls and it was somewhat tolerable. I do feel like we could make it work if a situation weren’t in the same place. Our cabin where we stayed in is like down where the volunteers cabin at. I hiked up and down with sweat. A lot of raspy breathing hard after reaching to where we should be at. One of the reasons for coming to camp is to get back on sweat mode cause I know I lack in that area. It was a good exercise, I mean I was up running up and down trying to get us on time, and making sure that we’re safe in one unit.

Another thing about the camp itself is the food. The food is somewhat good and breakfast is like my favorite part of the day. If you know me well enough, I’m always down for some brekkie place to try. The kids that I’m with aren’t that huge fan of breakfast but I know one of them does. Relatable.

One of my favorite moments is seeing one or two campers asking to read El Deafo book. This is the reason why I bought the book, not for myself but for those campers who came for the first time. Campers that shy and don’t really know how to socialize with their peers especially during night time. The book gave them something to do and be more comfortable away from parents/home.

Another one where I looked back at the moment, I laughed at myself. One of those nights, we came back from dinner to the cabin. We were all getting ready for bed. Moths and bugs alike were attracted to the light post that was hunged up in front of our doors and some of them got into the cabin. So, some of them got into my side of the cabin (we have a cabin that comes with two doors; my partner got 6 campers on her side of the cabin while I have 5 campers on the other side of the cabin). My campers were screaming, but not like bloody screaming kinds. It’s more of like “AHH! bugs! Close the door! Eek! There’s one on my bed!” That kind of thing. As a counselor, I wouldn’t want any bugs into the cabin but like, really? I know I’m the same as they feel but like we sleep in a wilderness area.

Anyways, as we were getting ready for bed, and me trying to get most of the bugs out of the door. One of the campers were ready and she sleeps on the top bunk. I was walking past by her bunk toward the bathroom. (Deaf tendency), she jumped onto the bed and the strip light cover on the ceiling came off hanging on top of me.

I caught myself guarding my head, thinking it might fall on me. But it didn’t. It was hanging on one side, BARELY. My quick thinking was to ask the camper to bring the chair to me and I stepped up on the chair trying to fix it. Of course, the bugs were there and the campers trying to help me and trying to swat the bugs away. I asked one of them to go get my partner because I was holding the cover on one side on the other end but I couldn’t get all secured. So my partner came right away and helped me out. After fixing the cover, we finally got it secured. I looked at her and looked down, she stood on each side of the bunk beds to help me out while I’m standing on a chair. In the back of my head, I’m like “I coulda do that”. My partner looked at me like how? then looked at me with the chair, and just laughed at me hard. My campers noticed that and giggled. I’m like hey, my guts were to get the chair.

At least, those moments campers can take home with them and share with their family and they did have fun at the camp. I would come back and do the same thing over again. I just need to build a little more resistance on those gnats. At least I didn’t get mosquito bites this year!


Deaf Identity

I didn’t discover my identity until college. I thought I was normal with two hearing aids and thinking that oh! Hearing people are better than Deaf people. I guess you can say that when I was in high school, I tried to be “better” than my own Deaf peer group. I was mainstreamed since elementary (placed in hearing slash normal classes). I had speech therapy, basically from elementary to high school. In my mind, I never truly accept the term, “Deaf”. It makes me feel dehumanizing in some ways. People look at you differently, treat you differently, and speak to you differently. And I didn’t like that.

I put myself in a higher expectation than my own parent’s because I wanted to show everyone, not just my family that I can do what normal people can do. Except for one thing, I cannot hear very well. Some certain people do not understand that even though you do know how to speak, that doesn’t mean you can hear well too. Like, hello. I still need to work myself in ‘hearing’ you.

My best friend and I used to talk each other in simcom, simultaneous communication. We basically identified ourselves as Hard-of-Hearing folks because we can talk at the same time, signing. We were like the coolest people out of our own group. You know how when you were young, you just trying to figure out where you fit in this small group and then, label yourself something to make yourself looks cooler than other people. I was like that. I thought being cooler will make people like me despite that I am Deaf.

I remember going into classes, I get embarrassed that I had to sit down in front of the classes for the interpreters when I wanted to sit all the way in the back. I wanted to hide instead of just standing out and have them saying behind my back, “She’s Deaf?” “Shouldn’t she be in Special class?” It’s annoying that I need to step up my standard to show them I don’t need to be in special class or I don’t define myself based on my hearing problem. I have a lot to offer.

I used to have a lot of hearing friends back in high school. Just acknowledged them mostly. Only a few friends that I knew doesn’t look at me based on my Deafness but look at me as a human being. It’s rare because teenagers judge so much that they want to make sure they’re cool enough.

So before, I transferred to CSUN (my Alma Mater) majoring Deaf Studies. I wanted to become a teacher for the DHH someday.  This is where I actually discovered my true identity. I didn’t know much about Deaf Culture, nor Deaf Community as well. I was overwhelmed with the history, resources, and the people. Once I learned about Deaf Culture, I started to truly accept my Deafness. The Deaf part is what defined me. Having hearing aids doesn’t but to show that I am Deaf, I was proud to call myself Deaf.

I signed more than I used to before living with my parents. I got involved with a lot of Deaf events and community. It was amazing to see different people from different background, coming together and actually have something in common. Now, I educate about my culture to hearing people who may not know about Deaf people. I know there are a whole lot of Deaf communities all over the countries and it is not just one country. I embraced my Deafness with the people I socialize with and expose my boyfriend into knowing about Deaf Culture/Community.

With this passion and knowledge about Deaf Culture and my identity, it motivates me to continue my journey in becoming a teacher. I know I will have to face obstacles, but I need to tell myself that I should not give up. I am still learning. I am still learning about everything that is relevant to my identity. If a person asks me this question, “Do you regret being Deaf or being born Deaf?” I will say no. I do not regret one bit. It becomes a part of me, makes me who I am today. Whatever identity you identify yourself, don’t be afraid to tell people who you are. Don’t let people put you down where you should be ashamed. Be proud of your culture  (multi-culture) slash identity. Be proud of who you are. Stand up tall and show your pride. Embrace it!

Catch a glimpse of Haya later 🙂