A Letter to Myself 5 years Ago

In five years ago, I was 21…

I feel old (I know my boyfriend didn’t like me saying that ‘I’m old’. He wants me to think that I’m still young. Mentally, I feel old, haha). I don’t know if I am doing the math correctly since I am 26 which means in five years ago, I was twenty-one. In fact, I don’t remember what I did when I turned twenty-one.

It was probably bowling or something, I honestly don’t remember…Ah! Wait, I do remember. I didn’t do much on that day. My mom cooked my favorite Filipino dish; Filipino spaghetti (it has the Filipino hot dog, ground beef, tomato sauce with Filipino banana ketchup and of course, the spaghetti noodles). It just my family, my sister’s boyfriend that time, and I invited two friends. I think one of my friends did show up but was late at that time. Yeah, it wasn’t fancy and it wasn’t “party hard ’til you throw up” kind of thing. I remembered showing off my friends with the new car and we went to Food 4 Less for beers. It was Smirnoff beers, but I don’t remember what the flavor was. At that time, I was scared to drink in front of my parents because they got that “I’m judging you” stare. My sister encouraged me to drink since it was my 21st and it was not like I came home drunk or going out to bar-hopping. Anything like that, no.

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But yes, a letter to myself five years ago. There are many things and ways that I want to tell myself. List of things that I should do and shouldn’t.

  1. Don’t put your friends as your first priority. Your family will always be your first priority. I know I value my friends the most. I wasn’t that close to my family and they don’t understand what I was going through: Being Deaf and I was pressured to do well in school because my parents have high expectations of me to do well academically. I’m always an average B. Plus, they wanted me to do better than my sister and be better than my sister which was a lot of pressure of me because I used to look up at my sister. I envied her independence and the fact that she moved out the house at a young age. I was trying to find a way to get that freedom and independence out of the house through college.
  2. Woman, you gotta eat your vegetable more! I know I, myself don’t eat enough of vegetables back then and now I wish I did. I still don’t like tomatoes (especially when it is sliced thick and seeds included), mushrooms (sliced thick, preferably thin but not used to the taste). I don’t know how I managed to stay thin but I was on carbs mode for a few years later and eating healthy was the last thing on my mind.
  3. You don’t need to be cool to fit in. Just be yourself. Meaning like you don’t need to be cool and smoke a pack of Parliament between classes in the back of the parking lots where everyone can see you. It’s a good thing that I am not addicted to it. Once in a blue moon, I smoke if I’m buzzed or drunk having a good time. Nonetheless, I shouldn’t be smoking anyways. Be humble.
  4. Don’t dress to stand out. I honestly look back to myself of how the way I dress and I followed the trends even though I was a broke-ass (relying on my parent’s money to buy me clothes). Stay with neutral colors! There’s nothing wrong with having neutral colors. Once in a while, I can have bold colors or patterns. I need to stay away from floral dresses. I’ve noticed that I was obsessed with floral dresses and I kept buying short floral dresses, I never once buy a long floral dress. Now, I want a long floral dress so it’ll flow and I don’t need to show off my legs. I’m also getting rid of a lot of clothes nowadays because I don’t even wear them anymore.  On the side note, never wear pink on any days except home.
  5. Appreciate the quality time with your family. Every day, I’m always in my room and be on my laptop or phone. On occasionally, I would come out of my room and ask my parents if they’re alright or what they’re watching. Most of the time, my parents will have the tv on Filipino shows or Filipino telenovelas, per se. If I didn’t know about social media such as MySpace, I would’ve more time with my parents. No? I honestly would download more games if there weren’t social media.
  6. Be honest. Don’t lie to hide your ass from your parents. Maybe then, that bonding with your family brings closure instead of distancing yourself. I have strict parents and very protective. I don’t often have my friends come to a sleepover or going out with friends after 10pm. I didn’t get that kind of privileges like a 21 would have. Being a baby in a family of four, it was difficult to have freedom or independence when your parents are basically hovering in every minute. I get jealous of my friend’s family because they give their children some freedom at probably an appropriate age. I don’t know, it’s probably just me and I need to be more truthful with my parents and maybe more open if they are open to me.
  7. Focus on school and try to get A’s. I mentioned I’m an average-B person. I never aim to try A because B was good enough for my parents to get their approval. If I get a C, they would wonder why and would come up some fictional predictions of what causing me getting a C instead of a B or an A at least. Try to study harder on passing Physical and Anatomy Class (I failed three times with the same teacher). It’s best to aim high when you’re in school, especially if you’re struggling. Just don’t give up and drop the class in the middle of the semester. Get some tutoring or have really smart friends to help you out 🙂
  8. Budget. Budget. Budget your money wisely. Spend on the need, not the want. Especially it comes to food and yes, trying new food as well. Korean BBQ, not worthy of your money if you keep thinking that you’re fat or gaining weight from eating KBBQ. Bad habits die hard. Try to save at least 5 dollars a day or maybe a week in a makeshift saving jar. You’ll thank yourself when your family no longer financially supports you after community college. I learned the hard way. Aim your goal to at least 2k to support yourself solely when it comes to rent, bills, car, and others.

I think that’s about it. I know there’s more to say but I can’t think of another one. I do reflect on my past but not too often because then, you’ll comparing yourself in the past based on your actions. What would you say to yourself in 5 years ago? Alright, catch a glimpse of Haya later.

The Less, the Merrier!

Notice that I stated “less” instead of “more” in the title? You’ll see why.

Are you an introverted or extroverted person?

Or just a mixture of both? I believed I am a mixture of both. There are times where I just want to be by myself or have someone with me in solemn of silence while doing something. Actually, I’ve noticed that I am leaning more toward an extroverted person. I like trying new things. (more like trying new local food). Such as drinks or culture food. I like to try to find a challenge for myself to maintain an active lifestyle instead of just doing #Hayaflop time on the couch. I would try to find something to do instead of staying at home after work. For instance, going to Targets and stroll around or do window shopping when I know I only have less than 5 bucks in my bank. Something like that. At the end of the day, I usually find myself either catching up with my roommates with their days. After catching up with everyone, I either went back to the room to relax or sitting on the table with my laptop open and play music like I am doing right now.

However, there are times when you feel like meh, I just want to flop on the couch and be on my phone and snoop on what everyone been doing. You will find yourself comparing to other people and feel less festive than they are. It’s a bad habit over thinking that everyone is doing much better than you. Convert that thought. Think that even though it shows in the picture or video, they did have a crappy day. Not everyone is perfect. I know I’ve said this to many of my friends and it’s true. It is something to keep in mind even I have a shitty day, there is something good out of it. It is okay to have a shitty day. On the bright side, you can tell your roommates or friends about your shitty day.

It is okay to be introverted. It is okay to be extroverted. And it is okay to be both as well. There’s nothing right or wrong about being who you are. Give it some time and patience that is all we need.

Choose your others wisely

I like to keep my friends close. And it’s hard to find that group that you’re close enough to be comfortable around; being silly with them or have a really deep conversation. Nowadays, people who claim to be your friend, eventually fade. Fairly fast. I personally have trust issues. Peeling onions skin is not that easy. I usually let the person sign/talk first before I do because I do not want to give away information easily. If you are like me, I observe and analyze the person first. I only have a few or less that are trustworthy. I used to think that I had a lot of friends and thought it was cool to have 300+ friends. YAS, MySpace, y’all.  And I don’t even interact MOST of those friends.

I just don’t think it is worthy of my time if someone just acknowledges my presence with friends we both know. The less, the merrier! Honestly, having a few close friends is good enough for me. I know those people. I know I can trust them enough that if ever I have a problem, they have my back. I know I will rely on their support as well. Don’t revolve your world around Drama either.

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Not too long ago, I went a group of friends and my boyfriend to Big Bear trip and we stayed there for almost 4 days. It was a mixture of good and close friends. Definitely not bad at all. We learned to put our differences aside and learn about each other. The trip was much-needed; away from chaos. It was actually nice to have old times together and having dinner together. I believe dinner time was valuable for all of us. We gathered together to feast and spent quality time. I definitely miss the kabobs and simple jambalaya with the crispy street tacos.

I’ll cut this short and catch a glimpse of Haya next time 🙂

What is 2018?

I don’t really know what to start…

I feel like I am going around and around like the numeral symbol of my birth month. Maybe it’s just me. To start afresh or slowing crumbling back to old habits like it does every new year? What do you think? Have you noticed yourself reflecting what you did the year back? And years back? What was your answer when your friends or family asked such questions like what is your new year resolution will be or what are you’re planning to do?

I’ve noticed the first thing I can think of was trying to lose weight and eating right. I somewhat did that but not entirely satisfied with the process. I love trying new food. Especially when you’re scrolling up on yelp looking for new places to try, local food to be specific. It’s probably not the eating right. It’s the losing weight. I struggled the most with my weight. From day one, I was so motivated and the last few weeks, I stopped motivating myself. I really need to get back on track. My goal was to maintain my weight in a healthy way. But it’s so hard. I need to force my thinking skill that whenever I do to rest, tell myself to go to the gym instead. Ah! the struggle is real.

Starting from this point…

This year is a new year for me. There are many opportunities for me out there and for all of youse as well. Tell yourself not to slack off over things that are ESSENTIAL. Love yourself, treat yourself and speak to yourself kindly. Know this that you and I have come a long way from where we started. Which is like amazing, right?! Reminds yourself that because you’ll need to tell yourself that you’re fortunate enough to go through this journey independently. And sometimes, it is a bonus when someone tells you that you go far to get to where you are. Motivate yourself and don’t give up easily.

I tell this to my boyfriend and my friends all the times. I tell these uplifting motivation words to them and in the end, I’m a hypocrite. I know it is bad but I am still in the process of learning how to love myself, my outer slash inner beauty of me, and telling myself that I am a strong woman and that I need to a push myself toward the door of exploring new things. I appreciated those who tell me that I am strong and that I am beautiful human being. I need to stand up for myself more even though, I thought I have been. It doesn’t feel like I am hiding or anything. However, I should be able to stay firm with myself and everyone who comes in and out of my life. You should do the same as well. Be well-guarded but still be you.

As of well, this post slash blog will be also a new beginning, a new start for me to try to give myself some support on my own without having to rely on one person to cheers me up or picks me up after. Not only that, I need to start a better communication with myself and everyone as well. Seriously, I may not be a good communicator but I’m a good listener. I’ve been told by people wondering what it is like to in my mind because I’m always wandering and saying random things. Lastly, I need to improve my writing skills. So far, I think I did a-Ok. Right? I hope so. I should make a goal for myself at least to write one post once a week or twice? I don’t know, we will see how this goes.

Catch a glimpse of Haya later 🙂